Derelict Theology

I hate hospitals. I suppose it’s fortunate then that my line of work takes me into them often. I don’t know whether it’s the smell, the abnormally white walls, the small packs of loud children, the rudeness of the personel, or what, but I just hate hospitals. And I hate the waiting that is associated with them. What I hate even more than that is when someone I know and love is in one. Today I spent most of my morning with my wife at the doctor’s office in town, and then at the hospital 15 miles away. Starting Sunday afternoon, Erin had some slight abdominal pain that she shrugged off as either something she ate or stomach sickness. Yesterday the pain became worse and by last night it was hard for her to move and not hurt. She was having to get up and sit down very slowly, and did not sleep last night much at all. She called me this morning from work and told me she was leaving, and that the pain had spread and now was hurting every time she took a breath. I agreed to meet her at the doctor’s office.

Once there they did the usual tests, just to make sure she wasn’t pregnant, and all that. When they figured out she wasn’t, they sent her on to the hospital for an ultrasound, which she did not enjoy, and then we came home to put her to bed along with some hydrocodone. The ultrasound’s prelimenary test results show that her PCOS has gotten worse (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and the cysts that it’s caused on her ovaries are getting large, thus causing the pain. While this sounds pretty serious, it’s not really, as a call to her doctor in Memphis set an appointment for the 9th of May, that oculd be moved up if the pain continued and got worse. Right now she’s slumbering peacefully in our bedroom, and I”m on the couch watching reruns of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire on GSN. It looks like it’s going to be a quiet night.

I started today to ask God why, when I was sitting in our room at the doctor’s office, watching my wife with tears streaming down her face because she was scared about what was happening. I really did, I wanted to ask Him why something like this was happening to us. But I had to stop myself and remember that this is something that is in His will, we are not out of His control, and He is watching over us. I trust and claim Romans 8:28 where it says that all things work together for the good of those who love God. Hopefully tomorrow I’ll wake up and the her pain will be gone and we’ll have a better day.

It’s funny how dreams change. As I was sitting at my computer tonight, typing out a prayer request list for Frontline (the youth leadership team at our church) I realized that suddenly, i am content here. No more longing for the big city, or what could be. Instead, I feel like I’ve arrived. Not in that proverbial, I have more than I’ll ever need, I’m important sense, but rather in the sense that I no longer have the same dreams that I used to. Those dreams have shifted and changed, and from that shift and change, I have found a sense of contentment. Or rather, joy, as joy is not the same as happiness. It is my joy to be here, even when things aren’t going right. It is my happiness to be here when things are. The dreams I had, they would take me away from this place, and that would not be where I need to be right now.

I had dreams, of course, like most dreams they were large and grandious in scope, and had no bearing on reality. I dreamt of being a rock star, or rather just someone that was respected musically, and traveling around blasting out tunes to clubs full of adoring fans. Instead, I now lead a youth praise team in trying to at least learn one song a month. I dreamt that I would one day own a large coffeehouse/concert hall with shelter in the back for runaways and travelers. It would be a ministry that celebrated life and art and creativity. Now I drink coffee out of a free mug from camp and drive to concerts in a brokedown, old and busted van, while encouraging the pursuit of God, life, art, and creativity, which doesn’t always happen.

You might think I’m typing that paragraph out of sadness, but really I’m not. Even as I was typing it out, I see how my dreams have changed. No longer is it important to be on stage, rather, I’d much rather see these kids lead us into the presence of God. I’m not interested in being the cool coffeeshop guy anymore, but rather the person that kids can talk to, and that points them to and explains art and creativity, and pushes them toward it in their own lives. It’s so funny to me that God can take our desires and dreams for the future, and manage to give us something to do that reflects those dreams, but completely takes us out of it, if we will simply surrender our lives to Him and let Him be the one in control. We just have to say that it’s all about Him, and not about us.

I took a week off from work last week. I’d like to say that it was to do something truly altruistic or to take a sabbatical, but honestly it was just because my wife was off work for a week and when she’s off and I’m not it makes me jealous. We spent lots of time together, and that was a good thing. We played lots of video games, watched some movies, and had kids around us a lot. It was a nice refreshing time, but now it’s Monday, and the landslide has hit. I come into my office and it looks like a bomb has gone off, but that I remember that’s how I left it. So I do my best to wade through papers, mail, and messages as I try to figure out the cure for sin and how to administer it to a group of people who hate medicine.

There has been a strange feeling in my life these past few weeks, a feeling that I don’t feel that much, but it seems that this time it’s stuck around and it’s here to stay. It’s a feeling of contentment. Not necessarily a complacent kind of feeling, but rather a feeling that I’m ok with where I am in my life, what I’m doing, and where I’m going. I say I’m not used to this feeling because I’m being honest; I wasn’t raised to appreciate contentment. But, I’ve found in the last three years that God has led me in large, sometimes painful strides toward this place. It’s a place that I arrived at in college where I again learned that what people think about me really doesn’t matter. I became tired of being the people pleaser type person that I was and I became very content in that realization. Seems I’m in that place again, but this time I”m not so much worrying about others, but about my relationship with God. For the first time, in a long time, I can see those threads of his care, mercy, and constant provision weaving in and out of the fabric of my life again in amazing ways.

In the face of this landslide, my contentment hasn’t faltered, which is a step in the right direction I believe.

Seems like a “great” new idea for witnessing, straight from our fine friends at Larknews.com. I might have to make one of these…..

Click here for the story.

How do we fill a hole in our soul? Well, rather, how do we come to grips with a hole in our souls that God has filled thanks to his grace and mercy, even though our brains cannot forget the thing that caused the hole in the first place. If you know how it can be done, I’m looking for some steps here. It seems like the best place for the enemy to attack me is always with discouragement, especially after something that I really wanted to work a certain way or something like that. It’s almost like just how Satan can steal God’s word away from you before you can do something in response to it sometimes, well, sometimes Satan can literally steal my joy that I can’t see the results of something good in my ministry. And, though I know this, and I can see it, I never can seem to get around it.