Derelict Theology

I know I haven’t been updating like I should but lately it seems like I really don’t have much to talk about. Life is good. No major complaints. I’ve been reading this book lately, though, that’s turned my world upside down. It’s called “Irresistible Revolution” by Shane Claiborne. And it’s all about how Christianity has missed the mark for loving the poor and broken of this world, how the haves and the have nots are so seperated that it’s ridiculous, and how most of our “charity” towards them is not really charity at all but a way to clear our conscience of guilt for the poor.

Since I took our youth to camp I’ve been thinking a lot about what I need and what I want. Often times, my wants way overshadow my needs, and it creates problems in my finances. All because I need more stuff. I’ve decided recently that more stuff really just makes life complicated. It’s a burden that’s hard to bear and it consumes you and makes you need more and more even though you’ve already got a lot. And I’ve realized that by hording and gaining more and more that I’m not really honoring God, in fact, I may have been hindering His work in my life.

Some of my faithful readers (all 4 of you) may know that I’ve been an avid collector of Transformers for years. My collection has grown tremendously over the years and I have over 1200 pieces in my collection. And I am quite proud of it. Was quite proud of it. God did something my heart one night last week and suddenly I came to be pretty sick of my collection. Just like that. And he reminded me, in the quietness of an insomniatic night, that I had been asked to give them up 3 years earlier. And so did. They are all going up for sale starting this week. And it’s a huge step for me. It’s a painful step, but I know it’s for the best. I no longer want to spend money on things just for myself, but for my family. And that’s where this money will go.

If you are the praying type, as you read this, please pray for me that I have the strength to do this necessary thing. And pray that God will continue to show me what to do with my life and that I will have the courage to follow it.

June 8, 2001 - She walked into my life again, after it seemed like I would never see her again. I was playing music with a group of friends, we called ourselves Lesser, and we were booked a pretty off the map coffeehouse in Jackson, TN. About 12 people showed up. Her and her 3 friends were part of that 12. She said she’d seen a flyer for the show on campus and recognized me, so she came. We drove away after packing up our gear and I didn’t think much about it.

June 16, 2001 - She started becoming a regular at our shows. She probably put more money in the “Tonka Tip Truck” that she needed or wanted to. Her and her friends made us t-shirts. We packed out another coffeehouse…30 people showed up, but she was the one I noticed the most. Why come see some obscure band twice in a row?

July 4, 2001 - More shows, more times she shows up. I take the jr. high route and ask her friends if she’s dating anyone. I get the right answer, which is “no.” So, I stick my neck out there and start talking to her more at shows. She notices. We talk at night, sometimes 4 hours at a time. She invites me to meet her family a BBQ on the 4th. What she doesn’t tell me is that I won’t just be meeting her family but almost all her close friends as well. It went great, though. We kissed for the first time, and it was like lightning. Back at the interstate, when I was about to leave, I awkwardly asked her if we could start calling this “thing” official. She said yes, and I thought I might fly back home.

November 8, 2002 - She’s put up with me for 4 months now. God and I have talked, and I’m sure this is it. I buy the ring. Nothing special, I think, but she’s always said it was beautiful. I hide it, but not very well. I can’t wait to see her face. I plan a picnic, that ends up being in the pitch dark. Candles don’t help. We eat and I invite her to go see a waterfall nearby. She flat out refuses. So, with my plan blown, my mind races to find another solution. We end up at the Post Office in Dickson, TN, the highest point in the city. We look at the lights, I tell her that I love her, and why I brought her there, and then I drop to one knee, with cars rushing by on the road behind us, and ask her to marry me. She says yes. This time, I cry.

June 8, 2002 - One after she walked back into my life, now she’s walking down the aisle toward me. Months of planning lead up to a 15 minutes ceremony that, of course, wasn’t your normal wedding. We didn’t want it to be. She’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, and I can barely say the vows I’ve written for her. This makes me feel like a goober. Two rings, and some repeated words later, and now we’re man and wife. In two weeks, I’ve graduated from college, gotten married, and will be arriving in Adamsville, TN to take the reigns of a youth and children’s ministry. The pieces begin to fall together.

August 4, 2006 - 4 years of marriage, and things are still good. She’s still the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen…more so now. She’s my rock, my pillar of strength. She is weak where I am strong, and she is strong where I am weak. Over the past four years, tears have been shed and a burden carried. She thinks we’ll never have children. It’s Thursday night. I’m sitting on the floor in my office at home, probably messing with some Transformers. I hear a scream from the other side of the house. A loud scream. I think she’s found a snake, a rat, or something. I hear her running toward the office. She’s screaming….is that what I think she’s saying? “I’m pregnant! We’re pregnant!” My eyes go wide. I can’t believe it. God continues to bless beyond measure, and in my overwhelmed state, I’m sure my reaction to the news was less than spectacular.

April 9, 2007- This day doesn’t exist yet. The dawn hasn’t broken over the horizon yet. But today, we found out that on April 9, that our little boy will arrive in this world. When I heard, I was standing in the emergency room of Hardin County Hospital, visiting a church member. She told me, and of course, I thought she was joking. But, at her insistance, I knew that it was real, and immediately I felt like my knees were going to buckle. All these questions that had been swirling in my mind for months now seemed to be swirling around in my gut, making it feel like I’d swallowed a cannonball. She smiles at me when I get home. She’s on the couch, resting like she should be. I know she’s uncomfortable and I wish I could do something to help, but in 4 days that won’t be a problem. In four days, we graduate into a whole new set of “problems”, and as my uncertainty gives way to wonder and praise, I realize that I can’t wait to dive in and leave doubt behind, and let God lead.

And as I sit here and re-read all this, I realize just how blessed I am. At just how amazing the ride has been to this point, and how exciting it’s going to be from now on. And just to think, had I never taken the chance on something beautiful, she and I would never be together. And now, I stand on the threshold of a new life, of something that I’m totally unprepared for because I’ve never been there, but once again, I’m ready to take a chance on something beautiful and leap into that life with arms wide open, knowing that my Heavenly Father will catch me in His outstretched hand.

So, if you noticed, I didn’t get to update after the second day of the convention, mainly because I was simply disgusted with the idea of paying 10 bucks a day for wifi for two more days.  So, I braved a new, internetless world and simply disconnected.  That’s way, way hard for me, so it was a step in the right direction, and quite possibly a step towards where God really wanted me this past weekend.  More on that later.

Looking back over the Cincy YS, I can definitely form a few solid opinions.  It was a wonderful, refreshing weekend, and God touched my heart in ways I haven’t felt in a long time.  But, it wasn’t the best NYWC I have been to.  Some of the general session speakers just didn’t live up to my expectations.  The seminar rooms were too hot, making my pregnant wife suffer.  So, we bought a lot of seminars on CD.  The food court in the Hilton was way too overcrowded: standing in line for 35 minutes for 2 slices of pizza, a Mountain Dew the size of Tic’s head and a slice of sinfully delicious chocolate cake, all for a mere 13 bucks wasn’t really as great as I just made it sound.

But, saying all those things really takes the focus off what was really important about the weekend, which was what God was trying to tell me about myself and my ministry.  To me, the major theme that emerged over the weekend was “change”.  At least, it was to me.  I am changing, and God meeting me in that change.  My ministry is changing, and I can’t be left behind.  My priorities toward my ministry are changing, and they are causing me to slow down.  That’s a good thing.  Doug Field’s “What Matters Most” became a really important book in my life this weekend.  I signed up for a session with a spiritual director, and though she told me some things that I’d suspected for awhile, it was good to hear another human say them.  I left the session feeling great, feeling lighter than I have in a long time, and a trip to the prayer labyrinth right after that was simply one of the defining moments of the trip for me.  We stayed through to the end, left after the last general session, and drove 8 hours back home to get my Nintendo Wii, which has also kept this update from happening.  So, this is my last update from, or about Cincinatti.  Thank you YS, and thank you God for everything!

Wah mee?  I don’t know.

Me and Dave the Horn Guy

Nadaddy from Family Force 5.

Family Force 5, greatest live show I’ve ever been to.  Please YS, if you are reading this, get these guys back and give them as much time as they want!

I’m so blessed.

Today was a busy day. I broke my usual YS rule and did everything, but I did walk out of a seminar, which means I slightly kept it. (The rule, for those of you who are clueless to what I’m talking about, is to skip at least one thing each day and just do something fun.) So, I walked out of seminar series 1 about 45 minutes into it because I figured out where it was going. I guess I just like surprises. However, my Early Bird seminar, taught by the jovial and quite funny Dan Kimball, was wonderful, on the subject of turning youth groups into groups of youth missionaries. Dan has some mad puppet skillz, in front of the projector.

Today’s General Sessions were wonderful, a great mix of worship and fun. Sometimes I find myself falling into the opinions based on how I was raised in the church, of what is appropriate and what is not, but today I rationalized that keytars an beachballs in worship was just fine with God. Especially keytars. Mainly though, both of today’s speakers, Phil Vischer and Donald Miller, drove home a point about change. In fact, it seems that all I’ve heard about here today is change and I can only take that to mean that something is about to happen in the ministry God has allowed me at home. Just thinking about it gets me excited.

Sitting here and reviewing my day, I’m wondering why we fear change, especially when we have a wonderful God who seems to specialize in it. Be it name changes (Abraham), position changes (Joshua), to life changes (Paul), God is in charge of change. In fact, when we embrace the very nature of God, it calls us to change, and causes us to change into something beautiful, something beloved, like a butterfly emerging from it’s dry, dull cocoon into a brilliant world of color and adventure. Praise God that He calls us forth from our husks and births us into a life of vibancy and true living!

Tonight was also good for me, as I got to sit down and talk with a friend about ministry, but it seemed like most of the things I was saying to him were things I needed to hear as well. You ever do that? Small town youth ministry is tough, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. There is a harvest there just like there is a harvest in the big city, and it is of no less importance. Sitting there, talking with him, he reminded me that almost 9 years ago, we were sitting in my room (when I was still around 17 or 18), and I looked at him and told him, “You’re going to be a youth minister, I just know it.” He didn’t believe me then, but I promised him that I knew it, and now, here we are, both of us in youth work. I don’t think that’s coincedence. Instead, I think it’s the God we love and serve drawing us back to a moment where he spoke life in and through us, and He lets us see His words fulfilled.

My desire is to go home to Adamsville and be an agent of change. It seems like something I’ve forgotten, but this convention has already reawoken that desire in me. But, it’ not about me. God must be the change agent through me, not beside me, behind me, or along with me. It’s the only way for lasting change. I can’t wait to see what the rest of this weekend holds!

And now, some pictures:

Recently, this question has been rolling over and over in my mind, because it seems that everywhere I look, I see this type of teaching when it comes to popular, mainstream Christianity. The rise of Joel Osteen to the public eye has catapulted what’s called the “prosperity” doctrine to center stage. And it’s not just Osteen who’s preaching this type of view, it’s popular pastors across the nation like T.D. Jakes, Joyce Meyer, and it even reaches down into the local church as well. Time Magazine recently ran an article on this very thing, and it’s cover asked the same question above: Does God want me to be rich? Honestly, I’m baffled that many people who say they know their Scripture and know Jesus would still buy into this way of believing. To be clear: I have a big problem with it. I do not believe God wants us to be rich. But, I believe there are ways that God does bless us to abundance, and it can’t be measured by a bank account in most cases. Let me share some reasons that I disagree with this line of thinking.

1. Jesus said to “deny ourselves.” - If you read the Gospels, 3 out of the 4 mention a specific statement by Jesus that he made to his disciples. Matthew 16:24 says “Then Jesus said to his disciples, ‘If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.’” Mark 8:34 puts it this way: “Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: ‘If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.’” Finally, Luke 9:23 says: “Then he said to them all: ‘If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.’” Seriously, where in this is seen any room for a life that is seeking gain for itself? Where is there room for success? Where is there room for prosperity? Jesus doesn’t say “If anyone would come after me then let him have a fat wallet”, or “If anyone would come after me, let him sow his seed and believe that I will give him a car and it will be so.” Jesus instead calls us to a life not of prospering, but of death. The call to follow Jesus, to take up the cross, is a call to DIE. My problem with prosperity doctrine believers is that they are being fooled to believe that God is the Heavenly ATM and if they will just get things right as they follow Him that it will unlock the magic code and money and blessings will flow into their life like never before. And that is creating a consumer driven form of Christianity, as if we didn’t have that already.

2. The claim to “abundance.” - Another problem I have with the prosperity doctrine is that they claim that it is our right to have abundance while we are here on Earth. Televangelist Benny Hinn once said “If I have to hear about gold streets in Heaven one more time, I’m going to throw up! I say, I want them here, Lord! I want golden streets right now!” At the heart of the prosperity doctrine, this teaching is key: prosperity means that we have abundance, or the best of everything, right now. 2 Timothy 4:8 says “Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day—and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing.” In store. Not now. And it seems to me that the focus of our faith should not be how much we can get now, but becoming more like Jesus every day. The key verse of this doctrine is John 10:10, which says “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” Honestly, can we say that Jesus was telling us there that he has come to give us life, and life that includes big houses, fat paychecks, new cars, and anything else we want? Assuming that only assumes again that Jesus’ main job was not our salvation, but to be the genie in the lamp, and make us comfortable. The full life that John 10:10 refers to is mentioned in other translations as “abundant life”. If we believe that the eternal life we receive when we come to Christ is a supernatural gift, would it not be logical to say that that life would spill over the mortal confines it’s brought into? That’s why it’s eternal…it’s abudant! It spills over the barriers of our normal life and keeps going, bringing us into the very presense of the Lord! It’s not about material things or success, it’s about a relationship with God!

3. Who Believes This? - Quite honestly: the poor. The ones who are already struggling get told by televangelists that if they will send in their prayer request with a “love gift” that God will not only answer their prayers, heal them, and make life better but that he will also return their blessing in abundance. Biblical teaching, in a way, but Biblical teaching that is twisted way out of line. Senior adult ladies sit in their homes, making barely enough to survive on Social Security, and they are asked to give astounding “love gifts” that reach into the sum of thousands of dollars. Now, this might seem like the widow’s mite for sure, but never in Scripture was the widow promised anything in return for her gift. Jesus simply told everyone, AFTER HER GIFT, that she’d given more than anyone else, for her gift had been more of a sacrifice. And it’s the poor who sacrifice more than anything with this doctrine, because they believe God is their hope for a better, more financially stable life. Saying that, it sounds awfully callous and cold, because God is our hope for a better life, but if all we depend on God for is financial stablity, then we are missing out and putting God into a box. I really don’t think that God honors a teaching that takes advantage of the poor and downtrodden while the ones claiming to have a word from the Lord get richer and richer. After all, Jesus did say in Matthew 25:45: “He will reply, ‘I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’” When we take from the least of our society in order to get richer, and do nothing to help them in return, we are in big trouble, and I would not want to be standing in that position.

If you study the teachings of Jesus in the New Testament, and his Disciples after him, you will notice one thing: they always speak about sacrifice. To follow Christ in those days took an enormous amount of sacrifice, dedication, and pain. What, in 2000+ years has changed? Do we have a different God now? Did he suddenly decide that sacrifice really wasn’t what He looks for in a child of His? If we don’t think that sacrifice is a necessary part of the Christian life, then why do we embrace a man who sacrificed everything He had to give, his life, on a cross? Every single one of the disciples lived a life of hardship because of their dedication to Jesus. Many church members were killed or exiled because of their faith. Nero used Christians as human torches to light his gardens at night. Millions of believers the world over have paid the ultimate price because of their faith, and the number grows daily. Does this sound like prosperity to you? It is certainly not the prosperity of the “prosperity doctrine” but in a way, it is success. They stood firm, they never backed down, and because of that, they earned their reward. Not an SUV, not a multi-million dollar home, not a closet full of name brand clothes. No book deals, no TV shows. Instead, they finally entered into the hope that we all have: being in the presense of God forever.

Does God want me rich? Not in the way that is popular. Richness with God is found in the private, inward relationship, and it can’t be counted in dollars or stock. Abundance is the overflow of the love of God, the life that he’s given me. And none of that comes without denial. Daily we must rise and give ourselves to God, who will decide what we are supposed to be and do that day, not us. Psalm 115:1 says: “Not to us, O LORD, not to us but to your name be the glory, because of your love and faithfulness.”

If we really believe that, why seek prosperity?

Check out this video from Fox News with one of the members of Westboro Baptist Church, better known as “those wackos who picket funerals”, and marvel at how she so eloquently makes herself, and pretty much anyone who claims to be a Christian, look like a complete and total idiot.

In 1997, I was saved at a church camp in Chattanooga, TN.  It was my first ever church camp, and it was the first time that I ever met Jesus.  On Tuesday night, June 24, I gave asked Jesus to come into my life and save me.  Little did I know, that was just the beginning.  It wasn’t too long after camp that I really started to get my life straightened out.  I wanted to live out this salvation that I had, and so I started finding ways to draw closer and closer to God.  I started to read my Bible every morning when I woke up.  I prayed throughout the day.  I went to church every time I could.  And one night, I knelt beside my bed with the notion in my head that I should give my life completely, 100% to God.  Not just my past and present, but my future as well. 

 That tiny notion was a turning point in my life, and in some ways it has made decisions that I’ve made easier, and some that I’ve made are harder.  As I got up from my bedside that night, I realized that in order to give everything in my life to God, then He had to become my focus.  This only intensified my quest to be closer to God, and so anything that was not about Him, or for Him, I started to put by the wayside. One of the first things to go was my music. 

Anyone who knows me knows I’m a music freak.  I’m fanatical about music.  I love it.  I couldn’t spend a day of my life without it.  I love finding new band, and I apply a lot of music to my personal life.  When I was a new Christian, and I started to hang out with more church people, I began to notice this music they were listening to.  These bands were singing about their faith, and it was really refreshing to hear that.  Pretty soon, I had my own collection of “christian” music, and I would listen to it all the time, along with the music I already had.  A bit later, as I continued to mature in my walk with Christ, I came to the idea that to truly be focused on God, then everything I did had to be about Him.  Remember, I said that this notion that I’d had made some decisions harder than others.  I made a hard decision that day and I decided to give up ALL my secular music, and only listen to “christian” music.  I believe that only this day that my desire to be close to God shut the gates on truth in my life for many years.  I know that doesn’t sound quite right, so let me explain.

It was a warm fall day when Jeremy Street and I met in his driveway, both of us with large boxes full of CD’s.  We’d talked about this idea since I’d had it, and we both agreed that it was probably best, though we hated to do it.  So we cleaned out our CD cases, our rooms, and got every non “christian” CD and put it into these boxes.  We put them in the middle of his gravel driveway and proceeded to drive over them with my truck.  Probably 200 CD’s were broken that day, and granted, some needed to be, but with each one that broke, it further shut the door to truth coming into my life.  Sure, I was still getting truth from the Bible.  I was still getting truth from prayer.  I was still getting truth from church.  But driving over those CD’s that day was perhaps a moment I’d like to forget in my spiritual life.  After that, I only listend to “christian” music, and I demanded that everyone around me do the same.  I became quite fanatical not about music, but about the spiritual qualities of music: if it didn’t have any spiritual quality, in my eyes it was worthless.  While this was supposed to be good for me, it ended up being one of the worst decisions I’ve ever made.  Not only was it legalistic to the utmost degree, but it also turned me into an extremely close-minded person with a narrow view of what a Christian was.  It wasn’t until recently that God undid this terrible, harmful thought process of mine.

Until last year, I had continued on this “righteous diet” of only “christian” music.  Truth be told, I started to get bored.  The same songs, the same bands, all the time, and after awhile all the bands started to sound exactly the same, and nothing was making a dent.  I found myself a short time after making my decision to chunk all my old music wishing that I hadn’t, but I thought that it was for the Lord and so I gritted my teeth and bared it.  Soon, I was buying CDs just because they were “christian”, with the idea that because they were, they must be good.  I found out the opposite.  I regretted a lot of CD purchases, and while that was bad enough, I also heard songs that I really liked but didn’t allow myself to listen to because they were by “non-Christian” artists.  Just typing that out makes me feel so stupid.  I had very quickly become close-minded to anything that wasn’t inside the “Church Bubble”, and my passion for a lost and dying world was growing cold.

 But back to last year.  Last year, I began to slowly creep out of that line of thinking.  I don’t remember what it was that first caused me to start moving in a new direction, but I soon found myself being more open to things.  I started seeing the message of Christ in more things than just my church.  I started to see it in movies, in literature, in everyday life in town, on television, and eventually, that message started to bloom fuller and more beautiful in my life.  The gate began to rise again, and slowly, that closeness that I had desired with God started to come about.  For the first time in a long time, I relaxed when it came to my spiritual life.  I began to realize that it wasn’t about all the things that I could cut out of my walk with Jesus, but it was about the way that I let Him speak to me, and let Him love me.  Quite bluntly, Jesus told me that I wasn’t letting Him love me in every way that I could, and that my attitude toward things that I felt weren’t of God, well, it stunk.

 So, where does that leave me today?  Well, I don’t rush out and buy every secular CD that comes out.  Nor do I rush out and buy every “christian” CD that comes out.  I guess, as a result of getting older, that I’m more choosey when it comes to what I listen to nowadays.  Do I freak out when secular music comes on the radio anymore?  Not really.  What I don’t accept is music that glorifies evil and sin.  I found out when I loosened up my legalistic grip on my faith that I was missing out on a lot of movies, books, television, and songs that did a wonderful job explaining the mysteries of faith, sometimes without even knowing it.  A great example of this is the song I found this morning, a song that has really made an impact on me today, “Savin’ Me” by Nickelback.  Whether these guys realize that they’ve written the greatest song about lost people in the 20th century or not, it doesn’t stop it from being a song loaded with meaning.  I’ll post the lyrics below to close this post out, but first, the moral of the story: Legalism Kills Relationship.

“Savin’ Me” by Nickelback

Prison gates won’t open up for me
On these hands and knees I’m crawlin’
Oh, I reach for you
Well I’m terrified of these four walls
These iron bars can’t hold my soul in
All I need is you
Come please I’m callin’
And oh I scream for you
Hurry I’m fallin’, I’m fallin’

Show me what it’s like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I’ll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I’ll leave this life behind me
Say it if it’s worth saving me

Heaven’s gates won’t open up for me
With these broken wings I’m fallin’
And all I see is you
These city walls ain’t got no love for me
I’m on the ledge of the eighteenth story
And oh I scream for you
Come please I’m callin’
And all I need from you
Hurry I’m fallin’, I’m fallin’
Hurry I’m fallin’

All I need is you
Come please I’m callin’
And oh, I scream for you
Hurry I’m fallin’, I’m fallin’, I’m fallin’

So yeah, it’s been awhile since I’ve typed here.  No excuses.  Just laziness.

 It’s Wednesday, which means that today is the busiest day of the week for me.  Set up, tear down, speaking, singing, I’ll do it all today.  Yet, somehow, I’m not stressed out this morning.  I’m actually in a pretty good mood, and I think I’m going to be able to get some stuff done today.  That is always a good thing.

 I’ve been reading a great book lately, called Velvet Elvis, by Rob Bell.  I know I’m pretty much late to the party on this book, but I had to clear some others off my plate first before I could dive in.  This book is one of those that you have to read a chunk at a time, then sit back and mull it over in your mind.  Last night, I was reading a chapter called Tassels, in which he writes about the start of the church he’s currently pastor of.  God has done a really amazing thing there in Grand Rapids, and the scene finds Rob Bell sitting in a storage closet in the church right before a service wishing he could drive far, far away from there. 

The conclusion he comes to is that the thing driving him is a person he’s really not, and he wants to run away from that person, but realizes that running away from it only ends up bringing it with him, because he’s become that person.  He had become this person he called “Superpastor” who never missed a visit, never missed an opportunity, who always gave great sermons and who always had a kind word.  He was always at study, always ready to work, and always made time for his family.  Or at least, that’s who he was trying to be.

Reading that nudged me in the ribs, and as I continued to read, I became distracted by the thoughts bouncing around my head.  I am doing the same thing.  I want to be “Superyouthminister”.  I want to be the cool guy that is always around, always saying something cool, wearing something cool, always listening to the coolest music, and hanging out with the coolest people.  I want to drink the expensive coffee, and read the newest books.  I want to go to all the important conferences.  I want the best youth room, and the biggest church bus.  I want the most kids, the coolest youth ministry, the most events.  I want to be at every game, every band competition, I feel like I should always have people at my house.  Last night I realized I can’t be that person anymore.

 Being that person, I’m going to kill myself.  The real me.  I’m going to kill my family.  I’m going to kill my wife.  And I don’t want to die like that.  I don’t want to hurt my family like that.  Rob Bell didn’t either, and he writes that he killed “Superpastor”.  He drug him out back and shot him.  So today, consider this post a eulogy for “Superyouthminister”.  He was a great guy, and had the potential to be more, he always had the potential for more.  But, alas, he is dead and gone and he was killed by the person that he had tried to force to fit his image.  This person is trying to believe it’s ok to fail, it’s ok to fall.  It’s ok not to have all the answers.  It’s ok not to be at every game.  It’s ok not to have the coolest clothes, or the best music.  It’s ok to hang out with uncool people.  It’s ok to drink Walmart brand coffee with flavor add-ins.  It’s ok to not have the best youth room, or even the best youth ministry.  It’s ok to not go to the seminars, or the meetings, and to let the books I’ve bought pile up and gather dust.  It’s ok because I have Jesus.  He is meeting my needs, not my busy-ness.  Sure, I’ll go to games, wear cool clothes, listen to music, drink Starbucks, read books, and hang out with kids. 

 But I won’t feel guilty anymore about what I “could have done.”

 Bang bang, “superyouthminister”.  You’re dead.

Today I was browsing around Myspace, looking over some of the profiles that my youth have created on there, and like most times I’m on there, I got a bit discouraged at what I saw.  To any youth minister, a journey around Myspace would be discouraging, I think, because it seems widespread that those people who call themselves Christians really don’t want to live like it.  It’s much easier to talk about following Jesus than actually doing it, is the vibe that seems to be given off.  But is it really that hard?

Following Jesus to the letter would be impossible, I think, because there are some things we are still working out here in our flesh, but there are also a lot of things we can do that get us pretty close.  What it comes down to, I believe, is a disconnect between “our lives” and the life we live as a child of God.  There aren’t supposed to be two lives, just one.  “Our life” should be the life we live for God, not a compartmentalized Sunday/Wednesday block of time.  In each and every thing that we do, we should seek to honor and glorify God.  That’s where the hard part comes, though.  It’s hard to see sometimes how to honor God in all our ways, and we ask questions like: “is it ok to do this, or do that?”.  I have always thought it came down to asking ourselves if doing something would cause someone second guess Jesus because of our actions or words, then it’s not worth doing. 

People would argue that this would cut out a lot of life, and there are things we could not ever experience.  That’s very true.  But there’s a beauty to simplicity, to simply saying “no” and knowing that it’s something that would never cross your mind.  So what if you don’t experience a lot of things in life that are mostly negative anyway?  What do you gain by having those experiences, and what do you gain from not?  I say that what you gain from not having those experiences is much, much more valuable. 

Grace does come in, but grace is not the license to do what we want, it is the gift of God that we don’t deserve.  As Christians, we make a better statement to the world when we live what we believe instead of just talking about it.

I suppose this is going to be a cheesy blog entry.  Everyone always tells you about certain things in your life that will change you, and you never really believe them until they happen and then you realize just how right they are.  Sometimes I wish I could skip past the doubt and just get to the part where I believe and that would make life a lot easier. 

This past Monday something happend to me that changed my life forever.  Literally, I am seeing life through new eyes every day as I watch the world around me change.  See, Monday I found out that Erin is pregnant.  Something we never thought would happen, but now, here we are.  Through all the difficulties I’ve watched her struggle through, I never watched her give up hope, but I did see her finally become content with where we were, and with what God was doing at that moment.  I believe it was in the moment, when she finally gave it to Him, that He said, “Ok, you’re ready.”

Seriously, she is one of the strongest women I know, a lot of times she’s tougher than I am, but this was something that continued to break her down over and over, and to see something like this happen, when doctors and specialists have said no, well…..we know it’s a miracle.  It’s our miracle. 

As I sit here and type this, it’s almost unbelieveable, but I know it’s true.  The doctor’s results sit on our kitchen countertop and my wife, who is two weeks pregnant, is in bed on the other side of our house, sleeping and dreaming probably of what it’s going to be like.  I never thought I would be this excited about a baby, but I guess you can surprise yourself sometimes. 

April 26….what a day that will be.